Painting my nails or talking about makeup has really been feeling like a chore lately. Part of it's quite superficial-- I've got a lightbox en route to me that I can't wait to play with. Also, I can't seem to moisturize my cutes enough, despite having balm on me at all times, lol. Part of it's my own personal demons trying to get the best of me; the last few weeks have been a little difficult. Then this week rears its ugly head, and there's a big shooting in a mall my mom and I used to love to go to, and there's a bunch of stabbings at a school in China, and there's the unspeakable, unthinkable tragedy across the country from me, in Connecticut. The whole world's gone mad.
Painting my nails and talking about makeup feels so silly, unnatural, forced. I heard about Connecticut before my first break this morning. As each new shift came in, they'd say the same thing-- "Did you hear..." and throughout the day, we'd get updates from people and just close our eyes against it, try not to let it be real, and say how horrible, senseless, tragic. My facebook today has been filled with news clips and posts of my friends, family, and Castle Age gaming buddies trying to make sense of something that does nothing but shatter your heart. I put up a couple, myself, one about praying for my young nieces and nephews because this is the world they're being brought up in, and one celebrating a young man playing the violin outside the grocery store I frequent for lunch. Yesterday he made me smile; today he made me cry. Both days his music has been beautiful.
I don't deal well with this kind of thing. I bury my head in the sand, and I am lucky I have the luxury of doing that. After 9/11, I didn't open a magazine or read a newspaper for weeks. Today, I can't seem to open any of the links on my Yahoo home page and I hate to see it every time I open my browser. It makes me want to change my home page back to Yahoo Sports so I can be greeted with the frivolity of the Lakers' losing streak rather than the things that really sting.
But, they're here. Across the country there are families in pain I hope no one close to me ever has to experience. And whether or not you or I want it to, it puts things into perspective. My family is flawed, and infuriating at times, but they're here. They're alive. I get to spend Christmas with them. I get to.
I also get to make another batch of white chocolate fudge for my company Christmas party this weekend, because life goes on, and my boss likes my fudge. My lightbox should be arriving within the next couple days, and I'll redo my nails in the color I had on today and tell you all about it. My life gets to return to normal. The heaviness in my heart will subside and I'll get back to my routine, to fighting my familiar demons, to trying not to let family stress get to me. Yet it isn't the same. This holiday season has been peppered with darkness and there's a great shadow cast over it this year. But when life seems at its darkest, the Light shines all the brighter. I get to celebrate that Light and indeed it does take on a more poignant meaning this year. Celebrate your relationships, all of them. Savor your time with your family and friends. Love and be loved.
I leave you with a verse from my favorite Christmas carol, one that's appropriate all year around and deserves to be taken to heart. Let this be the season of Hope. God bless each and every one of you. <3
O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of Hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
Fall on your knees
O hear the angel voices
O night divine
O night when Christ was born
O night divine
O night divine